Woman, Love Thyself

Let's talk about your relationship with yourself.

I don't mean the relationship you have with the man you are dating. I am not talking about how much he loves you, how often he calls, how intentional he is, or whether he makes you feel special. Put all of that aside for a moment.

I want us to talk about you.

How well do you know yourself? How do you treat yourself? What happens to you when nobody is affirming you? How do you respond when you feel disappointed, rejected, misunderstood, or overlooked? Do you know what you need emotionally? Can you communicate those needs? Do you know what you will and will not accept in a relationship?

We spend a considerable amount of time thinking about the kind of people we want to love us without spending enough time examining the person we are bringing into those relationships.

And I think this is a conversation worth having because sometimes, the difficulties we experience in romantic relationships are not only about the people we choose. They are also about the things we have not learned about ourselves.

This is not to suggest that every relationship problem is a reflection of a woman's inability to love herself. It isn't. Some people are simply dishonest, emotionally unavailable, incompatible, or unwilling to treat their partners well. You can have a healthy relationship with yourself and still encounter someone who hurts you.

But there is something important about knowing yourself before, during, and even after falling in love.

What happens when you don't know yourself?

Imagine a woman who has always struggled with feeling chosen.

She desires a loving relationship, but underneath that desire is a deep need to feel wanted. When someone shows interest in her, she becomes emotionally invested very quickly. She begins to imagine a future with him, makes room for him in her life, and starts adjusting her routines around the relationship.

At first, everything feels exciting.

Then, a few months into dating, things begin to change. He doesn't call as frequently as he used to. His replies are shorter. He occasionally gets busy without communicating as much as she would like.

She becomes anxious.

She checks her phone repeatedly. She wonders whether she has done something wrong. She replays conversations, examines his tone, and starts looking for signs that he is losing interest.

Sometimes, she sends multiple messages because she needs reassurance. Other times, she withdraws completely, hoping he will notice that something is wrong and come looking for her.

What is happening here?

It is easy to conclude that she is simply too emotional or that she needs to stop being needy. But that conclusion doesn't help us understand what is happening beneath the behaviour.

Perhaps she has difficulty tolerating uncertainty. Perhaps she has experienced relationships where affection was inconsistent. Perhaps she has learned to interpret distance as rejection. Or perhaps this particular man is genuinely inconsistent and has given her reasons to feel uncertain.

There could be several explanations.

But one question remains important: Does she understand what is happening within her, and does she know how to respond to it?

Self-love involves developing that awareness.

It is learning to recognise your emotions without allowing every emotion to dictate your actions. It is understanding that feeling unwanted in a moment does not automatically mean you are unwanted. It is also recognising when someone's behaviour is genuinely unacceptable instead of convincing yourself that every discomfort is something you must learn to manage.

Do you know your worth beyond being loved?

For some women, being in a relationship becomes one of the strongest measures of their personal value.

They feel beautiful when someone compliments them. They feel important when someone pursues them. They feel secure when someone chooses them and begin questioning themselves when that attention disappears.

Without realising it, they start outsourcing their sense of worth.

Consider a woman who is dating someone who consistently gives her just enough attention to keep her hopeful, but not enough consistency to build a healthy relationship.

She knows she is unhappy. She has noticed the unanswered questions, the broken promises, and the repeated disappointments. Yet she struggles to walk away.

Why?

Because the possibility of losing him feels more painful than the reality of remaining unhappy.

Sometimes, what makes it difficult to leave is not necessarily the quality of the relationship. It is what leaving seems to say about her.

She may wonder: What if nobody else wants me? What if I have to start all over again? What if I am asking for too much? What if this is the best I can get?

These questions reveal something worth examining.

When your sense of worth depends heavily on whether someone chooses you, you may begin negotiating things that should never have been up for negotiation.

You may tolerate disrespect to avoid rejection. You may silence your concerns to avoid appearing difficult. You may accept inconsistency because you are afraid that asking for more will make someone leave.

Loving yourself means understanding that being in a relationship is not proof of your value. And being single is not evidence that you lack it.

You are a whole person outside the romantic attention you receive.

Can you communicate what you need?

One thing we don't talk about enough is how many expectations we carry into relationships without knowing how to communicate them.

A woman may want reassurance but struggle to ask for it. She may desire more intentional communication but expect her partner to notice when she is unhappy. She may want emotional support but become defensive when asked to explain what she is feeling.

So she says, "I am fine," when she isn't.

She becomes quiet, hoping he will ask the right questions. She responds with irritation when he doesn't understand what she has not communicated. Sometimes, she expects him to interpret her silence as an invitation to come closer.

And when he fails to do so, she feels unseen.

Of course, emotional attentiveness matters in a relationship. Partners should make an effort to understand each other. But understanding someone cannot depend entirely on guessing.

You must also be willing to let yourself be known.

Can you say, "I felt hurt when that happened"?

Can you explain that regular communication helps you feel connected?

Can you say, "I need some reassurance right now," without feeling ashamed of having an emotional need?

Can you disagree without turning every disagreement into a threat to the relationship?

Self-love includes developing the courage and emotional language to communicate honestly.

It also means accepting that communicating your needs does not guarantee that another person will meet them. Sometimes, the other person may not understand. Sometimes, they may be unwilling. And sometimes, you may discover that the two of you simply want different things.

That information matters too.

Do you know how to maintain your boundaries?

Now... let's talk about boundaries.

You meet someone you like. You enjoy spending time together, and things begin to develop. But gradually, you notice certain things that make you uncomfortable.

Perhaps he makes jokes about something you have told him is sensitive. Perhaps he repeatedly cancels plans at the last minute. Perhaps he expects access to your time whenever it is convenient for him.

You notice these things, but you don't address them.

You tell yourself that you don't want to appear demanding. You don't want to create problems. You want to be understanding.

So you keep adjusting.

Until one day, you realise that you have become uncomfortable in a relationship you once looked forward to.

But being understanding does not mean abandoning your boundaries.

You can be patient without accepting repeated disrespect. You can make compromises without compromising your values. You can love someone and still communicate that certain behaviours are unacceptable to you.

A boundary is not a punishment. It is a decision about what you can participate in and what you will do when something consistently violates your wellbeing.

And sometimes, maintaining a boundary means accepting that a relationship may not continue.

That is not always easy, especially when you are emotionally invested. But knowing what matters to you before you become deeply attached can help you make decisions that are not driven solely by the fear of losing someone.

Have you learnt to be with yourself?

This is another important part of the conversation.

Some women enter relationships because they genuinely desire companionship. Others enter them because being alone feels unbearable.

There is a difference.

When you are uncomfortable with your own company, you may begin treating relationships as an escape from yourself. You may constantly need someone to talk to, someone to affirm you, someone to make plans with, or someone to give your days a sense of meaning.

There is nothing wrong with wanting companionship. We are relational beings. We need connection, affection, support, and belonging.

The problem begins when the presence of another person becomes the only thing that makes you feel okay about your life.

You stop investing in your friendships. Your interests gradually disappear. Your personal goals become less important. You begin organising your entire schedule around someone else's availability.

When he is available, you are happy. When he is busy, your day feels empty.

You may not even notice how much of yourself you have put aside.

Loving yourself means continuing to participate in your own life while building a life with someone else.

Keep learning. Maintain meaningful friendships. Develop your interests. Pursue your goals. Make room for experiences that have nothing to do with your romantic relationship.

You should be able to enjoy being loved without losing the other parts of your identity.

Falling in love should introduce you to another person, not make you lose your relationship with yourself.

Self-love is not the absence of emotional needs

I want to make something clear.

Loving yourself does not mean becoming a woman who needs nothing from anybody.

It does not mean you must never feel insecure, never need reassurance, never experience loneliness, or never be affected by someone's actions.

It does not mean you should be so independent that you cannot receive care.

You are allowed to want affection. You are allowed to desire consistency. You are allowed to need support when life becomes difficult. You are allowed to expect consideration from someone who has chosen to build a relationship with you.

The goal is not to become emotionally untouchable.

The goal is to develop a healthier relationship with yourself so that you can participate in love without constantly abandoning, silencing, or losing yourself.

There will be moments when you get things wrong. You may react from fear. You may struggle to communicate. You may discover that you have carried certain beliefs about yourself into your relationships.

That is not a reason to condemn yourself.

It is an invitation to pay attention.

Before you ask someone to love you, get curious about the woman you are.

What do you believe about yourself?

What do you do when you feel rejected?

How do you handle disappointment?

What are your emotional needs, and how do you communicate them?

What are your non-negotiable values?

Are you able to recognise when you are making a genuine compromise and when you are slowly abandoning yourself?

Do you know how to apologise when you are wrong?

Can you receive correction without interpreting it as rejection?

Can you love someone without making them responsible for every part of your happiness?

And perhaps one of the most important questions: Do you like the woman you become when you are in a relationship?

Not just the woman you are when things are going well. The woman you become when you are afraid, when you feel overlooked, when you disagree, when you are disappointed, and when you are trying to hold on to someone.

These are not questions to answer in one sitting. They require honesty, reflection, and sometimes the support of a trusted person or professional.

But they are worth asking.

Because self-love is not just about how you speak to yourself in the mirror, the things you buy for yourself, or the beautiful experiences you create for yourself.

It is also reflected in the decisions you make, the relationships you maintain, the way you communicate, the boundaries you establish, and the responsibility you take for your own growth.

Woman, love thyself.

Know yourself. Understand yourself. Be honest about the things you need to work on. Learn to receive love without making it the foundation of your identity. Learn to give love without disappearing in the process.

You deserve a relationship in which you are loved, respected, considered, and safe to be yourself.

And as you desire that kind of relationship with another person, don't forget to build one with yourself.

Before you ask someone to love you better, take some time to understand how you relate to yourself.

With love,

Oluchi